I was never in love with being pregnant. The heartburn, nausea, and swollen limbs were all things that left me questioning why some women loved being pregnant. I hated the way nothing fit anymore, or the fact that I could no longer tolerate standing on my own two feet for longer than two hours. I craved the gym that I had not been able to set foot in since my first trimester. I woke up each day those last few weeks praying it would be over soon.
Then she came, and I realized how unfair I had been to my body during my pregnancy. Sure, I was a lot larger than I ever was, but I grew a whole human inside the belly that I quietly wished away. I made fingers and toes, eyes and a mouth that would smile at me the most precious smile I had ever seen.
As I held her against my chest our first night home, I realized how much I missed her growing inside of me. I poked my now dough-feeling belly and realized how empty it felt. I missed daily kicks that seemed to fall in beat with the music I listened to on my drives to work. I missed wondering what she would look like, if she would have my eyes or Mike's. Would she be a big baby or a little one? I missed sharing a world with her that no one else got to share, a time where no one knew her but me. But mostly I missed the excitement leading up to her birth, the anticipation and nerves that come along with the first pregnancy.
It didn't help that I fell in love with motherhood at the very beginning. I spent my pregnancy terrified that I would regret becoming a mother. Most of my sleepless nights were consumed with worrying about how different my life would be, and how much that difference would impact my feelings towards motherhood. But I quickly realized that motherhood would be the single best decision I have made in my entire life (sorry Michael). And now that I've fallen head over heels for it, I can't help but miss the time I once wished away.
Next time around I'll spend more time enjoying it. I'll try to soak up each moment, even when I'm feeling like absolute garbage. I'll take time to love my growing belly, forgiving myself for out growing all of my favorite clothes. I'll nurture myself through exercise and surround myself with self love. I'll appreciate the fact that my body is allowing me to do something truly amazing. Because despite the nausea, swollen limbs and heartburn, my body allowed me to share a world with my daughter that belonged to no one but us.
So my advice to you first timers who are anxiously awaiting the arrival of your little ones: Enjoy each minute. Its a world that belongs to you and your little one only, with a few outside audience members of course.
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