First let me just say that being a mom is hard work, and you are all doing great. But yikes, does anyone else ever question every decision they make?
Life was easier before Peyton. I had all the time in the world to get done what I needed to get done without many interruptions. Once I become a mother that all went out the window.
As she's getting older I find its only getting harder for me to feel like I have a handle on things. I'm not particularly drowning, more just questioning my every move.
If she's awake I feel like I should dedicate every second to helping her develop. We play on the floor together, I read her books, or I sing her songs. Then at the end of the day I look at all the things I still have to get done: dishes, laundry, showering...the list is never over. I try to leave her alone in her gym when she's awake while I fold laundry or make dinner, but then I just find myself questioning if I'm being a good mother. Does she need constant attention? Probably not. But I can't help but feel guilty.
And then there's wife guilt. I really don't need to read her four books, I should probably make dinner instead...especially since my husband is currently working 12 hours every day.
Wow. It is exhausting. And the exhausting part is not all that I have to get done. No. Instead its the constant struggle of wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
So this month I started an accountability calendar. Everyday I exercise and meditate. Every week I pull a card from my animal medicine deck and reflect on the theme of that card during meditations. This week I pulled the frog card: cleansing. I decided to start clearing my head from all the guilt I have been feeling.
I've realized that its OK to leave Peyton alone for 5 minutes while I empty the dishwasher. It's OK if I don't make extravagant dinners every night of the week. It's OK if I prioritize myself and take a shower while Peyton naps instead of sweeping the floors.
Sometimes being a good mother means putting yourself first. My head is finally clear of the guilt (for tonight anyway) and I see that there is a balance that every mother needs. It might look a little different for each of us depending on our work/life situations, but its there. We all need time for ourselves and time for our children. Then add in the husband and housework factor, and that's how you stay afloat. Balance is not easy, and I certainly have not mastered it yet, but as long as I'm not drowning I call that a win.
I'm sure the guilt never fully dissipates. I can already assume that I'll be questioning my every parenting move from here on out. But when I go to bed I take time to remind myself that I did the best I could that day. And as long as I keep doing the best I can, I'll be proud of myself.
So to all the moms out there who feel guilt: you're doing the best you can.
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