Motherhood.
I had not given it a real thought until I was engaged. Long story short, I had a dream about a little girl and I running through a flower field together. I went to see a spiritual reader a few weeks later and she said a daughter had been lingering around, waiting to come down until I was ready. She recited my dream, in detail, and I knew that I wanted nothing more than to bring her into the world.
Besides this dream revelation, I had not given much thought to what it really meant to be a mother. I knew it would be endless diaper changes, sleepless nights, and working harder than I ever have been to keep her safe. I was prepared for the worry, the stress, and the hurdles.
Or so I thought.
Then came pregnancy. Sure, compared to some my pregnancy was highly uneventful. I barely got big, threw up only twice, and never had a horrible health concern. At at our 10 week ultrasound I was told my placenta was low and I would need a c-section if it did not move. I never imagined a c-section. For some reason, I yearned for a vaginal delivery so I could experience every part of birth. At thirty weeks, despite all odds, my placenta moved.
However, it was also discovered that I had a low fluid level. I had to receive steroid shots in my butt (those are NOT fun), and hope the fluid level did not drop more than the borderline it was currently riding on. I had to get weekly scans and non-stress tests to make sure she was okay. I worried daily that my fluid would somehow drop overnight, causing an early labor or worse.
But we both persevered and made it to 39 weeks when she was delivered on Valentine's Day.
Then came motherhood.
When I first saw her I was amazed at how tiny she was. Her small hand curled around my finger as she laid against my chest. I watched as she breathed each breath in that first hour of her life. When the nurse asked if I plan to nurse her, I said yes. To my surprise she latched immediately. Phew. I had read so many articles that described breast feeding as difficult. I was excited that it was a piece of cake.
Until the day we left the hospital. She wouldn't latch at all, and when she did she fell asleep immediately. The lactation specialist FINALLY came in as we were packing up to leave. She spent maybe 5 minutes in our room, where she said "she seems to be doing fine". But she wasn't, and I knew that.
The next day we took her to her first doctor's appointment. The doctor looked her over and asked us if we had any questions before telling us the news that shattered any confidence I had about being a mother. "Shes lost over 10% of her birth weight. You need to see a lactation specialist and supplement her with formula"
Formula. I felt like I had been stripped of every ounce of womanhood I had. I knew I wanted to breastfeed since before I got pregnant. I admit, I didn't know how long it would last, but my mind changed after the first time she nursed. Hearing she had to be supplemented because she lost weight made me feel like I was failing her.
I spent time in the room alone with her after the doctor left trying to feed her. I cried over her small body as she failed to latch again and continuously fell asleep. The day continued like this. I cried with each bottle of formula I had to give her after feedings. I struggled more when she also began to refuse the formula. I prepared myself for the worst.
I didn't think motherhood would be that hard. I expected to be worried; to cry, to feel stressed, to be scared; but I didn't expect to feel like a failure.
When we walked into the lactation specialist the next day she asked "so how are you doing?" My husband immediately answered "fine" and turned to be as I started balling my eyes out. I couldn't speak because all the worry just came rushing over me. He hugged me as I cried and handed me tissues.
We weighed her and thankfully she had gained 5 ounces since the day before. The lactation specialist was so kind and helpful and provided me with the confidence I thought I had lost. I left feeling better, but still anxious that she would lose the weight she had just gained.
We went back to the doctor 4 days later, and thankfully at that time she was back to her birth weight. I remembered feeling like a weight had been lifted off of us. I felt like a great mom again, and knew I could keep my daughter safe.
Motherhood is H-A-R-D. My struggles have not ended with breastfeeding, though they have certainly declined in severity.
If you know anyone who is pregnant, or has a newborn, tell them how great they are doing. For me it still is one of the best things I hear people say. Don't be afraid to ask them to visit, to bring them food or a good book, or to just come over and hold their baby and love them as much as they do. Motherhood is difficult. Pregnancy is difficult. But we can do our best to make others in our lives feel less alone during these hard times.
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