For me a child was something I had imagined since the moment I got engaged. Perhaps a little far-fetched for some, since being a newlywed is supposed to be a period of absolute bliss in itself, but I had my mind set. We didn't have to try for long: we were married in April and we conceived in late May, getting our positive test result in early June.
I was on cloud 9 when the test came up positive, but then panic set in. How could we afford this? Yeah, we both have jobs, but childcare is very expensive. And why would I want someone I barely know raising my child? Where would we put the nursery? We live in a fixer-upper that has plenty of space for a nursery, but we had yet to start to construction on this area of our home.
My mind went back and fourth between excitement and panic for quite some time. This anxiety shocked me since I had been waiting for this period of my life for what felt like a very long time. Some days I questioned if I had made this decision too quickly.
I have an act first and question later personality, which tends to lead to making fast decisions with little thought. I've always followed my heart, barely ever giving my head a chance. I never found this to be a particular flaw, because its helped me find happiness several times in life. But what if this time it was a mistake? What if I made a decision too quickly about something so life altering? Was this personality trait bravery or stupidity?
I always imagined my pregnancy to be a period of absolute joy and pure happiness, but instead it felt like a bi-polar roller coaster that I had willingly embarked to ride on. Some days I was happily planning to meet our child, and others I sat on the couch wallowing in absolute dread of our life changing.
I began to wonder if this was normal or if my depression was returning. I endlessly googled "prenatal depression" and "prenatal anxiety". What I found is that this was normal. I slowly began to feel better. I bought a pregnancy journal to write down all the positives, and on days when I felt worried I would read what I wrote. I made sure to ONLY write the positives so that one day I could give my daughter the journal.
Slowly the anxiety turned into full-force preparation. I spent days organizing our closets, throwing away anything we no longer needed. I measured out the space for her nursery and playroom so we could start construction. I purchased so many parenting books that I still have yet to start reading.
Perhaps I did far too little research on this part of pregnancy, but I was not expecting my mood to change so drastically day to day. Of course I anticipated the hormonal changes that were to come, but I never expected absolutely sadness and dread to be part of these changes. I'm not sure how much talk there is about prenatal anxiety - the first I had heard of it was because I was going through it. I expected pregnancy to be a period of absolute bliss and excitement. The changes my body went through surprised me too, but not nearly as much as these emotional changes.
I made sure to remain patient with myself and discuss any emotional problems I felt I was having at my prenatal visits. My doctor assured me the mood swings were normal, but given my history of depression I made sure to be open about exactly what I was feeling.
If you find yourself feeling the same way, be honest and open about it. It can be a hard thing to discuss, but for the health of you and your baby its an important topic to bring up at visits. I'm a firm believer that they feel what we are going through in the womb. If we're stressed, they can tell. If we're sad, they're feeling that too. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Your body is changing and soon your whole world will be too. But I promise they'll be worth it.
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